A day in the life of....

You are the cleric. You have faith that cannot be
shaken, and some pretty kick ass power to boot.
Your role in the party is undeniable, both as a
holy asskicker and walking medicine chest.


What D&D Class are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Current Mood: excited
Current Music: "keep on loving you" by REO speedwagon

Your element is earth: Wise, solitary, mysterious
and loving. You are very wise. Your wise as in
you know things others do not, you can see past
stereotypes and see the real people behind
their facades, and people will often come to
you for help and advice. Quite solitary and
somewhat shy around people because you prefer
animals and plants, animals aren't afraid to
show themselves or what they are feeling and
plants are fun to nurture. You are very strong
in your silence if you set your mind on
something you will often times pursue it to the
end. Sometimes you just want to get away, so
you seek refuge in the forest where you can
have time to think and try to sort out your
emotions. The sound of the wind usually calms
you, especially moving through the trees. Life
to you is something precious and should not be
taken for granted.


.:-|What is your true element?|-:. -With Anime Pictures and detailed answers-
brought to you by Quizilla

1. Who are you?
2. Are we friends?
3. When and how did we meet?
4. Do you have a crush on me?
5. Would you kiss me?
6. Describe me in one word.
7. What was your first impression?
8. Do you still think that way about me now?
9. What reminds you of me?
10. If you could give me anything what would it be?
11. How well do you know me?
12. When's the last time you saw me?
13. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
14. Are you going to put this on your LiveJournal and see what I say about you?

You belong in the land of darkness, otherwise known
as one of the worlds in which I dwell. All here
is beauty inspired by tragedy and great sorrow.
Write or go through other creative outlets to
express the anguish you may be feeling, and
never let anyone tell you that you are just
being 'weepy' or full of 'teenage angst'(if
you're a teenager.If not, then they really
should be punished for calling you one. They
probably are trying to insult your
maturity...fools.)and always remain yourself,
dark and amazing. Never change.


Where do you belong?(ANIME IMAGES)
brought to you by Quizilla

Tonight as I sit here, I am surrounded with thoughts of this weekend. Friday night was alright...nothing too much went on. Saturday though we went to the bar...had a few drinks...well, I had 2 Labatt Blue's and a JD and coke. I was feeling pretty tipsy by the night's end and it was only a few hours we were there. Was good to talk to aunt donna but she said things that got to me..even now I am worried. She had said that Ty had stayed up one night till 3am when the parents got home and he said that he felt like "a ghost in the house, that he wasnt there and nobody paid attention to him or loved him. He missed his bethy." It made me feel so bad inside. Ever since Ty was born, I have been like a second-mom to him...he would always cling to me and come to me for things. Even when I was living at home a few months ago before my move to Plattsburgh, Ty and I would do things after I was done with work. I would help him with his homework..not much for a 7 year old. Then we would watch movies and listen to music and dance, and play uno and mouse trap..both I would lose to...he is one smart kid. (and no..I dont let him win..he does that quite well on his own without any aid)! Before bedtime, I would read him stories or we would just talk...didnt matter what about..we would talk. Middle of the night, I would get up with him when he had nightmares or wet the bed. It was me. Ty and I always had this special bond..and now it bothered me that I wasnt there anymore for him to come to..sure I am only half hour's drive..but I dont drive and the parents are skeptical about him coming to stay the weekend or night with me at the moment... got to love those old-fashioned parents who think that anything out of the "norm" is bad. Got to love me for being completely "out of the norm"...a lesbian, a wiccan, I can go on forever. My mom asked me when I called her to wish her Happy Mother's Day sunday..how my "roommate was doing"...I wanted so much to yell at her and get her to realize that Cindy..my love is not my "roommate" she is my girlfriend whom I love dearly and who loves me. Cindy and I plan on sharing the rest of our lives together, I think it is about time they realized this is not something that will change overnight..my being gay and loving another woman. Not a Phase mom and dad!

Sunday after I called my mom(step) to wish her Happy Mother's Day...my brother david called me from Oregon. I had talked to him a few days before this...but this time was different. I talked to him for about 45 minutes or so...then Elaine woke up and she wanted to talk to me..so I talked to her..first time in 2 years. The last time we talked was right after grandma died..back on june 4th, 2002 and it didnt end well at all. But needless to say it was good talking to her, we settled many differences and now I am a second-time aunt to another child by her...the first one was Jacob, who is almost 2 years old..will be 2 in july. The next child..her most recent one...is named Raven Marie...she was born end of march of this year. I got to talk to Jacob on the phone...it made me teary eyed. He's gonna be a little heartbreaker someday. make all the girls swoon..or the guys depending on which way he tends to go. Either way they are gonna love him.

The hard part was when I asked to talk to my mother whom I had not talked to since grandma died..but whom I share a bad past with. Our conversation was intense and it made us both cry alot. I hid my crying...at least from Cindy and her brother Tony who were in the other room. I went into the hallway and talked to my mother. I gained a deeper and newer perspective while talking with her. Some of the things that were said hit me so hard in the face...it hurt deep in my chest. Abby said that is where all the feelings go..deep in your Solar Plexus. I hurt there..which makes sense because I have been having pains there for days, previous to talking with them all. Still now I hurt there..yet there are many other places I hurt as well.

I have lived so many years with the hurt and pain inside me that now I am not sure where to go next..as new beginnings can now take place..but I am still afraid of being hurt by them all again..mostly my mother. I know now...she has changed for the better..like my brother david said. I know this now. I have heard it in her voice and in her tears which all came from the heart. Her saying I love you to me, and me saying it back. I am not sure where it came from but the love I have for her has never left me. It had just hidden itself away into a deep dark corner until the time was right to come out again. this time couldnt have been better in that sense...it was Mothers day. It was a wish for her. Yet it was also a day full of memories..not good ones from my past that also happened on that day. She reminded me again of those.
We did a lot of talking about being Bipolar...as my grandmother, her sister, my grandmothers mother, and my mother and me are all bipolar..my sister is clinical depressive. My mother, grandmother, her sister and my sister are all on medication for it. My grandmothers mother, I found out died in an asylum for manic depressiveness and schizophrenia. I have been locked up in wards for it, and on meds and all that stuff...only thing with me, is that all the meds they have put me on and tried me on...even up to the new stuff, is too weak for me..I need something stronger...as I get immune to the meds quickly. My body doesnt like them..it is almost like sometimes it wants to stay with the ups and downs..the imbalance, the manic side. It would rather not fight it. Yet I have this fight going on inside of me between Feeling and Reason that just wont end. I am not sure where to begin or end anymore. I am confused as to what to do now and where to go, and sometimes even what to feel like now. I am blank yet I have this aching pain inside of my chest now. I cried last night. Then blamed myself for doing so. I have not cried since Jess's death back in 1995...I couldnt let myself be that weak..to show that to others....to do that would be to put a bullet in my own heart. It would be letting them see me totally vulnerable...they have the control. I cant let that happen.
My mother wants to get with my great aunt and have all of the kids and grandkids and great-grandkids go to Wyoming this summer and spread grandmas ashes in the Bighorn mountains like grandma wished. To have us all be reunited again. We havent been that way since about 1993 or so. Of course then there were less grandkids and no great-grandkids. Mom mentioned that she will be sending the things out to me soon. And that she would let me know when this thing over the summer will happen and find a way to get both Cindy and I out there for this. As they all would like to meet the woman that I love and plan to be with the rest of my life..the one that completes me and so readily shares her undying love and devotion and life with me. She never ceases to amaze me.
I would really love to see everyone again and to introduce Cindy to them all and keep contact. I would also like it for them to come to the wedding when we have one..it may not be for years to come but it is something that I wish.
I guess we shall see what the future has in store. Keep wishing and hoping and believing in the impossible is what I will be doing as it has gotten me thus far. And a good deal of my dreams have come true because of it.

Current Mood: complacent
Current Music: "Hold On" by Sarah Mclachlan

Today was wonderful for the most part...took part in tableing for the Pagan/wiccan alliance during the club fair for open house. We got some people interested in what we are about and what we do. That was nice. That lasted from 11-1. After 1..about 1:30ish Renee, Melika, Becky and me went in Renee's car down to McDonough Monument for the Earth Day celebration..that was nice as well. For the longest time there, the wind was so strong it kept blowing everything off the table. And for the longest time, it was only Renee and me. We talked a bit.
I am realizing alot about her that I never knew before. She comes off as this strong woman who doesnt let anything stand in her way...yet I saw differently the past week that I have spent time with her.

"say a prayer for those who crawl, say a prayer for those who run, say a prayer so all in all, theres a better life to come. say a prayer for all the lost, say a prayer for the unborn, say a prayer for all the young, it takes a fire to keep them warm."

Im frustrated...I have about 15 voices in my head now...so many things to get done and situated by saturday which is also Beltane. I am supposed to be teaching that day...the day that is also a marking of 17 years Ive been in wicca and shamanism, and also a sabbat, and one of the greater ones at that. I keep playing "Braver than we are" off the "Dance of the Vampires" cd from the Broadway musical by Jim Steinman. I should be home by now...I think all this is worrying Cindy..my moods have changed drastically and I am not sure I even want to be around anyone at all anymore.
I need to do a fasting tomorrow and do a Vision Quest...as much as I can. I wont be able to do it if I have to work all week but I need to work if I want to somewhat get my rent money which is due on the 1st...saturday. urghhh!!! It will be late and Ill have to borrow to get it all. I hate doing that. Oh well. Ill pay her parents back.

"Seize the Night" is on now...I love this song. Makes me want to go out and just bite into something..go Hunting....mmmmm...."Ya ne oh Vak".....Creature of the Night am I...Vampiress to the hilt and love it.

Current Mood: distressed
Current Music: "Seize the Night" and "Braver than we are". love Broadway!!!

I am writing this..not too proud at all. Actually I feel ashamed yet it was something I felt I needed to do. Last night, due to flashbacks and the like, I resorted back and cut myself. I didnt go as far as I could have...honey came home shortly thereafter so there wasnt much time to do it fully. I sat there in the bathroom and took the nail clippers with a sharp edge on them and cut my ankle..just a small cut as compared to some of the others I had done previously. I lost control..shaking so bad from the flashback, I wanted it to end. Yet even as I lay there on the bed, half naked, cold as Ice and shaking, I felt it all. The outside I was vulnerable, the inside was silent..the joys of cutting. After 2 years, of not doing it, it took a flashback in which I couldnt do more then run when it was happening,that was when I was 13 and getting beat up by my mother, this time was almost to the brink of death..I almost didnt make it out of it. I ran so far away from her..those woods provided that much. Even this time...the walk at night, in the rain and stormy weather, the playground across from me..reminding me of the childhood I never had...and my honey walking away and doing somethig she needed to do. those triggers..I ran home, slammed the door..went into the bathroom and tore off my clothes and cut..but the blood would not flow out.. I could see it there...yet nothing. It was almost daring me. I sat there looking at it..thinking how pathetic I was...all those hatred words coming out that my mother had called me when she has hurting me. I was running from it..when I was hurting on the outside, I wasnt on the inside. that was my goal. I layed there on the bed...curled up half naked, in the dark when my honey came home. She too had had a rough night. I came out, slumped by the door..said she was going to be disappointed in me..she asked what I did..I asked if she wanted to see it or me tell her it. she said both..so I went over to her and showed her. She didnt say anything. I could see the hurt in her eyes..yet she didnt run away or say hurtful things to me. she said she didnt fully understand why after 2 years of not doing it, I resorted back. She stayed by me..something I didnt expect but I was grateful. Needless to say it was a very restless night. And my dream my grandmother came to me and said "dont be ashamed of your past and who you are." symbolic in many ways. She knew.

Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: "leader of the Band"- dan fogelberg

Last night I got the most amazing realization. It has been a hectic time looking for jobs and that sort of thing..I got home yesterday and there was a message on the machine saying that they want me in for a second interview friday..which means I was one of the 40 chosen for a second one out of 100 people...if friday goes well I will get the job.,..one of 22 positions needing to be filled. That will be nice.
I went to a wiccan/pagan alliance meeting on the PSU campus and felt like I belonged...it was the sort of Joy I had been missing that I need. I finally with much deliberation and thought..finally was able to declare myself a Wiccan High Priestess and Medicine Woman..something I have been needing to do for a long time and something that I am meant to do. I am carrying out my grandmothers legacy as she said I would. after 16 years of being a wiccan and shaman, it is about time. I am finally going to teach what she taught me to others. Anyone that wants to learn, feel free to message me. I am on aol as well as Dianu80 and I can do tarot and medicine card readings, and channeled readings as well...those I normally charge for, however they are sent by mail, and the charge is for my time and the supplies needed as well as shipping. So anyone interested contact me.

I am going to start my lessons on Beltane, exactly 16 years since my grandmother taught me.

Goddess Bless )O(

Little Doe

Current Mood: ecstatic, hopeful
Current Music: October Project- Paths of Desire

Just wanted to share how happy I am now..I am finally in my new place...a 2 bedroom trailer in Plattsburgh NY with a new love of my life named Cindy...*grins big* I love her so much...this is what Love is...finally finally...love never was what it is now. Anyways....I cannot say enough about Cindy..and probably never will be able to say enough. Anyways, we will now be living together come friday. I am excited and so is she. In a few years...handfasting memories will become true..this time the real thing..no because of convenience. The vows will remain true and real and our love will as well. She is everything to me. I love her.

Oh and hopefully fall of 2005 I will be going back to school to become a veterinary Technician...inspired by Cindy..to fulfill my childhood dream.

*for once in my life...I choose not to run, but to embrace whatever life has to give me and live...slowly emerging from the shadows into the light that radiates in front of me.*

Life is good...my search is finally over. "what a feeling"

Current Mood: happy
Current Music: Simon and Garfunkel music...not sure of song.

It is 10:30pm and mom allowed me to get on her computer. Wow..first time ive been on in weeks. however, the one I wish to talk to, my Cindy...is not on...I dont know any of her screennames at all. I am frustrated. I called her house and talked to beth..however, even Beth doesnt know cindy's names at all. Couldnt help me there. Alot has went on this past month. right now I am scared...frustrated...confused...ecstatic...in love. Too much to feel. My love was supposed to call me tonight...but I have this feeling she is at Kim's. Because it is after 10:30...I will not call there. I wont get a chance to talk to her tonight I see. :O(

I went to look at a trailer in Plattsburgh...hopefully I will get it. I should know tomorrow. The waiting period begins.

I flipped out at work today because of stress. The migrane/tension headache didnt help any. I wish I knew what to do. for the first time in a long time I want to talk about my past...yet cant for the one I wish to talk to, I cant find...I love my girl and miss her.

Current Mood: frustrated, confused, sad
Current Music: "only time" enya

Hey everyone. Wow it has been a while since I last posted on here. A lot has happened..but now I am starting to feel better about myself and my situation. Time to move on in my life. Although I still have not had full closure yet, and still have to get my things from up there in canada, I am moving on. I have looked into apartments here in upstate Ny and also have decided to get my drivers license. I am also deciding to date again. I just got done posting on yahoo personals, maybe who knows someone will respond. I have hope.
Anyways, I finally finished my christmas shopping. Man was that a pain in the ass. lol. Abby can agree to that, eh abby? lol. Snow and rain, rush in walmart..nope didnt get ran over...but could have. It was just one of those days. I really enjoyed myself though. First time abby beat me at rummy in a long time as well. I dedicate still "Push" by Sarah Mclachlan to Abby...I made her cry to it. Abby is one of the truest friends anyone could ever ask for,and I am truly blessed to have her in my life as my best friend. I love you abby.

Current Mood: indescribable
Current Music: *suga suga* by baby bash and frankie j

Today was hard...extremely hard. I didnt sleep well at all last night. Around 9pm I talked to sarah on aol. We talked about our relationship. She said that we both havent been fair to ourselves or one another. Mostly she. We both tried making things work out, we kept lieing to ourselves that things would change, but the truth is...sarah is not the relationship type. for her it is hard to commit, to have any relationship besides friends, and even that is sometimes hard. She is not like me in that sense. I can go and meet others and become friends easily. She finds it hard to become friends with others..she is not as trusting. But I love her and she loves me.

Current Mood: depressed

1) definately supportive friends and family and my significant other.
2) that no matter how depressed I get, I can always go around animals or the outdoors and feel better.
3)that my st. john's wort kicks in quick and can balance my moods so well.
4) im thankful for the warm rainy days when I can walk in it and feel relieved and refreshed. (my favorite)
5) Im thankful when I can find the right words to say and write.
6) im thankful to have people beside me that I know with my anger problems and depressiveness I have hurt, yet they still remain close to me.
7) im thankful for the times I can be alone and also for the times when I am not.
8) im thankful that im still alive.
9) im thankful for long nights at dunkin donuts where both my friend abby and I got inspiration.
10) Im thankful that at least I know how to make a good cup of tea. (or so abby says lol.)
11) most of all Im thankful I am ME!